When I grow up...

In 2 and a half weeks I "grow up". I start a real job, with real hours. It doesn't seem like a major thing but when you've been working until 8pm every day for the past 9 months, it seems like a big thing.

I keep thinking of all the little things I can do. Like join a gym, cook dinner, watch shortland street, go to a friend's or family for dinner. I have to be really careful though because it could be so easy to slip into a lazy life and not do anything in my spare time. And this would get my right back where I started from.

One thing I really want to do, is to lose weight. I'm bigger than I've ever been before and I feel like a sack of sand. I need to exercise regularly and start eating properly. I'm just piling crap into my body and it's not thanking me for it. I feel lethargic all the time and my mood hasn't been great lately either.

Antidepressants aside, the best thing that has every worked for me to help my depression has been regular, aerobic exercise.

Quarter-life Crisis

At the moment I'm looking for a job. Not just any job, but something that I want to stay in for a period of time and not dread getting up for.

I really envy these people who are in a job and seem to really enjoy what they are doing. They leave school, go to varsity, get a degree, get a job and seem pretty happy with what they are doing. How did they know that that was what they wanted to do in life at the age of about 18? Or are they settling and maybe some aspect of their personality allows them to settle in order to stave of insanity.

So here's my adult history to date:

1997 to 1998 - Left school, got a Diploma in Business Computing
1999 (8 months) - work in data entry, get paid, enjoy having money, get bored - look for IT work.
1999 to 2000 - Work in IT, contracting, gets lots of money, no leave. Get sick and run down, look for permanent work.
2000-2004 - Work for a bank, supporting their banking software. Get bored, move to a consultant's job. Get bored. Wonder what I can do with my life that is worthwhile.
2005 - Move to Christchurch, do Speech and Language therapy first year. Decide it's not for me. Move back to Wellington. Decide to work part time and study part time.

And here I am, mid 2006. I'm still enrolled in University but have pretty much given up. I'm working part time at the bank. Looking for full time work. But in what? If anything, over the years I have learnt so many things that I DON'T want to do but still am not sure what I actually WANT to do.

My biggest problem was becoming really run down and tired of work. So really, I want to avoid that happening again. But then again, maybe it's a bit of a trade-off. Reliable job that I don't love with a passion for living comfortably.

I'm aware that I'm not alone here. How many other people in the world are struggling with their lifestyle and trying to decide what to do? A lot I bet.

So I'm looking around, hopefully I'll find something. For now I'm happy being back in Wellington and close to my family.

42?

So what is the meaning? Is there a meaning? Who am I? Am I?

Just kidding. But really, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, tossing up ideas, trying to decide what to start, what to continue.

A year ago I had a plan that was going to change my life. I was going to move to Canterbury, do SLT and become a Speech and Language Therapist.

Now I am doing Pychology and kind of wondering why. I liked it, but I don't want to do it. I'm thinking of doing Linguistics this year, it's always been something that I've been interested in - in school I enjoyed English and found it really easy. I really enjoyed Linguistics last year but I guess the thought is that it won't take me anywhere.

It used to be pretty simple for women - get married, have babies. That's it. Some people attribute the so-called "Quarter-life crisis" to women's changing roles in society. Women used to have to be a mum and run a family. They were busy and had to carry on. Now we have options and responsibility and it's all fairly foreign. Jobs and careers are making women less dependant on men. This has a knock-on effect with men and causes them to become less important to women.

Men are a nice side dish these days and certainly not the main course.

Anyway, I digress. I'm trying to sort my shit out. To do Linguistics or to not do Linguistics. To be a grown up, or to not be a grown-up.

I guess, following on from the Quarter-Life Crisis thing, I'm kind of realising that maybe I need to start thinking about supporting myself a bit more. I would love to meet someone who I could be with for ever but the reality of it is that I do have to consider the option that I will have to support myself financially...

I'm not trying to be all "poor me, poor me".. just reaching a point where I realise that I could stuff around at uni for the next five years or I could earn a living and slowly decide what I want to do.

My Endless Quest

In my seemingly endless quest to make myself into a healthy, happy human being, I decided to visit a Naturopath.

Cue the clucking of tongues and throwing heavenwards of eyes. "Naturopath, pah... what a load of rubbish". Far-be-it for my to say I'm a hippy but I'm certainly disillusioned with conventional medicine.

So off I went to the Botanicals Herbal Dispensary in Hataitai to visit a tiny little naturopath called Anya. Who prescribed me the most rancid, foul-smelling concoction that I have ever put into my body. She also suggested Omega-3 combination and something called Glucobalance, which is supposed to regulate my pancreatic function or something like that. In layman's terms, it's meant to stop me from eating crap.

So far I've noticed very little difference as a result of the herbs. They are supposed to help me with my monthly difficulties and also help me to stop sugar cravings and eat properly. I went to see her for the second time today and told her this and she has decided to change my herbs and add Psyllium to help with the stomach upset that has been happening.

So what's the diagnosis of naturopathy? Well.... to be honest I think it may be the diet more than the herbs that is helping me. I'll keep going for another month and see if there is any change with the new herbs. I'd really like for this to be an answer. God knows I never feel totally well but I guess it's a matter of trial and eror.

She also did Iridology which I was a bit wary of. She pretty much told me that my body doesn't like stuff being done with. Which is true. And that my body is overly sensitive. So maybe there's something in it. However I had already told her this.

I guess I'm going to trust her on this one and see what we can do. It's fairly expensive, but it's my body so I think it's wise to invest in it.

More news as it comes to hand...

My Angels

About a year ago I visited a psychic. People at work had been talking about her and she sounded very convincing. I went to see her partly because I wanted her to be legitimate and partly because I wanted to discover she was a fraud.

I left there feeling dumbstruck. She was shockingly convincing and althought some of the stuff she said could be construed as chance, there were many things that she was spot on with. Too many for guesswork as far as I was concerned.

She told me that I had a brother who was missing something, who needed help, maybe medication. She told me that he wanted to drive a light blue car. She told me that I had a laparoscopy and she told me that I had Depression. She described the depression to me in a way that was really how it felt. She also told me I was overcoming it. It was good to hear that. Even though I knew I was starting to get a handle on it, it was strange coming from someone else.

She also told me I have six angels. These angels are always with me and are there to help me make the right decisions and keep me safe. I like the idea of having angels looking after me. Who knows if it's true or not, who cares? Even if they are imaginary angels, they can stick around.

My little Yellow Cube

It's yellow here. And really bright. It's an artifical little world that is pretending to be real. Air Conditioning, fluorescent lights, false status and respect and politeness that just doesn't always seem appropriate.

I'm fascinated by it. There are people here who, if they were left to live by their own means and weren't boosted by the corporate hierarchy, would be way down the food chain.
There are these strange little rituals and standards of politeness that you don't often see in everyday life with those that you care about and love.

I can't help but wonder how unhealthy this environment is, both mentally and physically. Physically it's got to be pretty damn bad for you. Sitting in an office sharing the germs of hundreds of other people. Bathing in un-natural light. Sitting for hours and getting no exercise. Staring at a computer screen.

On the mental side of things. Often you're in a monotonous job where you aren't learning anything new. Or anything substantial anyway. I'm talking about a call centre environment here, or accounts, or data entry. Anything mundane like this. A psychology lecturer once said to me that learning is a lifelong process and that those who continue learning live longer and tend to have less degeneration of the neurons.

So why do we do this to ourselves? Greed, necessity. Because it's easy... why work a job where you are using brute force and keeping yourself fit when you can sit inside and keep your fingernails clean?

The lazy shall inherit the earth.

Perseverance

Well if there is anything I've learnt over the last year is that there is so much more out there to learn. I went to Christchurch to do Speech Therapy and discovered a million other things that I wanted to find out. I enrolled in a chemistry course over summer and discovered that there are more basic things that I neglected at school that I want to learn.

One of the things that amazes me is how little I was actually doing while I was working. It's almost like my mind was stalled for a while and now every little bit of information that I add to the pool makes me feels that little bit more alive.
It amazes me to think that my plans at one stage were just to carry on in a career where I plodded along doing something I hated with a passion just to get money.

Now I haven't turned into a hippy student who doesn't believe in money. That's one thing I've learnt over the last year. Even though money isn't the be all and end all it certainly plays a big part in feeling comfortable and reducing a bit of stress. I lived on a student allowance for a year and that was enough for a lifetime.

However I did learn that making something of myself is not as important as I thought it was, at least not from the point of view of others. Of course I want to be safe and secure but I don't want the obsession with things and success to get in the way of me learning more and experiencing more. I want to be able to try all these things that I want to learn about. And I want to make sure that I don't fall into a rut and typecast myself so to speak. I want to make sure that I don't put myself into a category and neglect to experience things that I am interested in, in order to maintain this idea of who I should be.

At the moment I am struggling with my summer chemistry paper. I almost gave up on it last night when it got too difficult but I'm going to make myself understand it. If it takes hours trying I'm going to do it because otherwise I'm going to end up working in a call centre for the rest of my life. Secure, safe.... and bored.