Neuro Regurgitation

When I grow up...

2006-06-27T19:33:00.000+12:00

In 2 and a half weeks I "grow up". I start a real job, with real hours. It doesn't seem like a major thing but when you've been working until 8pm every day for the past 9 months, it seems like a big thing.

I keep thinking of all the little things I can do. Like join a gym, cook dinner, watch shortland street, go to a friend's or family for dinner. I have to be really careful though because it could be so easy to slip into a lazy life and not do anything in my spare time. And this would get my right back where I started from.

One thing I really want to do, is to lose weight. I'm bigger than I've ever been before and I feel like a sack of sand. I need to exercise regularly and start eating properly. I'm just piling crap into my body and it's not thanking me for it. I feel lethargic all the time and my mood hasn't been great lately either.

Antidepressants aside, the best thing that has every worked for me to help my depression has been regular, aerobic exercise.

Quarter-life Crisis

2006-05-16T18:38:00.000+12:00

At the moment I'm looking for a job. Not just any job, but something that I want to stay in for a period of time and not dread getting up for.

I really envy these people who are in a job and seem to really enjoy what they are doing. They leave school, go to varsity, get a degree, get a job and seem pretty happy with what they are doing. How did they know that that was what they wanted to do in life at the age of about 18? Or are they settling and maybe some aspect of their personality allows them to settle in order to stave of insanity.

So here's my adult history to date:

1997 to 1998 - Left school, got a Diploma in Business Computing
1999 (8 months) - work in data entry, get paid, enjoy having money, get bored - look for IT work.
1999 to 2000 - Work in IT, contracting, gets lots of money, no leave. Get sick and run down, look for permanent work.
2000-2004 - Work for a bank, supporting their banking software. Get bored, move to a consultant's job. Get bored. Wonder what I can do with my life that is worthwhile.
2005 - Move to Christchurch, do Speech and Language therapy first year. Decide it's not for me. Move back to Wellington. Decide to work part time and study part time.

And here I am, mid 2006. I'm still enrolled in University but have pretty much given up. I'm working part time at the bank. Looking for full time work. But in what? If anything, over the years I have learnt so many things that I DON'T want to do but still am not sure what I actually WANT to do.

My biggest problem was becoming really run down and tired of work. So really, I want to avoid that happening again. But then again, maybe it's a bit of a trade-off. Reliable job that I don't love with a passion for living comfortably.

I'm aware that I'm not alone here. How many other people in the world are struggling with their lifestyle and trying to decide what to do? A lot I bet.

So I'm looking around, hopefully I'll find something. For now I'm happy being back in Wellington and close to my family.

42?

2006-04-18T22:38:00.000+12:00

So what is the meaning? Is there a meaning? Who am I? Am I?

Just kidding. But really, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, tossing up ideas, trying to decide what to start, what to continue.

A year ago I had a plan that was going to change my life. I was going to move to Canterbury, do SLT and become a Speech and Language Therapist.

Now I am doing Pychology and kind of wondering why. I liked it, but I don't want to do it. I'm thinking of doing Linguistics this year, it's always been something that I've been interested in - in school I enjoyed English and found it really easy. I really enjoyed Linguistics last year but I guess the thought is that it won't take me anywhere.

It used to be pretty simple for women - get married, have babies. That's it. Some people attribute the so-called "Quarter-life crisis" to women's changing roles in society. Women used to have to be a mum and run a family. They were busy and had to carry on. Now we have options and responsibility and it's all fairly foreign. Jobs and careers are making women less dependant on men. This has a knock-on effect with men and causes them to become less important to women.

Men are a nice side dish these days and certainly not the main course.

Anyway, I digress. I'm trying to sort my shit out. To do Linguistics or to not do Linguistics. To be a grown up, or to not be a grown-up.

I guess, following on from the Quarter-Life Crisis thing, I'm kind of realising that maybe I need to start thinking about supporting myself a bit more. I would love to meet someone who I could be with for ever but the reality of it is that I do have to consider the option that I will have to support myself financially...

I'm not trying to be all "poor me, poor me".. just reaching a point where I realise that I could stuff around at uni for the next five years or I could earn a living and slowly decide what I want to do.

My Endless Quest

2006-02-23T11:34:00.000+13:00

In my seemingly endless quest to make myself into a healthy, happy human being, I decided to visit a Naturopath.

Cue the clucking of tongues and throwing heavenwards of eyes. "Naturopath, pah... what a load of rubbish". Far-be-it for my to say I'm a hippy but I'm certainly disillusioned with conventional medicine.

So off I went to the Botanicals Herbal Dispensary in Hataitai to visit a tiny little naturopath called Anya. Who prescribed me the most rancid, foul-smelling concoction that I have ever put into my body. She also suggested Omega-3 combination and something called Glucobalance, which is supposed to regulate my pancreatic function or something like that. In layman's terms, it's meant to stop me from eating crap.

So far I've noticed very little difference as a result of the herbs. They are supposed to help me with my monthly difficulties and also help me to stop sugar cravings and eat properly. I went to see her for the second time today and told her this and she has decided to change my herbs and add Psyllium to help with the stomach upset that has been happening.

So what's the diagnosis of naturopathy? Well.... to be honest I think it may be the diet more than the herbs that is helping me. I'll keep going for another month and see if there is any change with the new herbs. I'd really like for this to be an answer. God knows I never feel totally well but I guess it's a matter of trial and eror.

She also did Iridology which I was a bit wary of. She pretty much told me that my body doesn't like stuff being done with. Which is true. And that my body is overly sensitive. So maybe there's something in it. However I had already told her this.

I guess I'm going to trust her on this one and see what we can do. It's fairly expensive, but it's my body so I think it's wise to invest in it.

More news as it comes to hand...

My Angels

2006-01-11T18:33:00.000+13:00

About a year ago I visited a psychic. People at work had been talking about her and she sounded very convincing. I went to see her partly because I wanted her to be legitimate and partly because I wanted to discover she was a fraud.

I left there feeling dumbstruck. She was shockingly convincing and althought some of the stuff she said could be construed as chance, there were many things that she was spot on with. Too many for guesswork as far as I was concerned.

She told me that I had a brother who was missing something, who needed help, maybe medication. She told me that he wanted to drive a light blue car. She told me that I had a laparoscopy and she told me that I had Depression. She described the depression to me in a way that was really how it felt. She also told me I was overcoming it. It was good to hear that. Even though I knew I was starting to get a handle on it, it was strange coming from someone else.

She also told me I have six angels. These angels are always with me and are there to help me make the right decisions and keep me safe. I like the idea of having angels looking after me. Who knows if it's true or not, who cares? Even if they are imaginary angels, they can stick around.

My little Yellow Cube

2005-12-05T15:26:00.000+13:00

It's yellow here. And really bright. It's an artifical little world that is pretending to be real. Air Conditioning, fluorescent lights, false status and respect and politeness that just doesn't always seem appropriate.

I'm fascinated by it. There are people here who, if they were left to live by their own means and weren't boosted by the corporate hierarchy, would be way down the food chain.
There are these strange little rituals and standards of politeness that you don't often see in everyday life with those that you care about and love.

I can't help but wonder how unhealthy this environment is, both mentally and physically. Physically it's got to be pretty damn bad for you. Sitting in an office sharing the germs of hundreds of other people. Bathing in un-natural light. Sitting for hours and getting no exercise. Staring at a computer screen.

On the mental side of things. Often you're in a monotonous job where you aren't learning anything new. Or anything substantial anyway. I'm talking about a call centre environment here, or accounts, or data entry. Anything mundane like this. A psychology lecturer once said to me that learning is a lifelong process and that those who continue learning live longer and tend to have less degeneration of the neurons.

So why do we do this to ourselves? Greed, necessity. Because it's easy... why work a job where you are using brute force and keeping yourself fit when you can sit inside and keep your fingernails clean?

The lazy shall inherit the earth.

Perseverance

2005-11-30T09:02:00.000+13:00

Well if there is anything I've learnt over the last year is that there is so much more out there to learn. I went to Christchurch to do Speech Therapy and discovered a million other things that I wanted to find out. I enrolled in a chemistry course over summer and discovered that there are more basic things that I neglected at school that I want to learn.

One of the things that amazes me is how little I was actually doing while I was working. It's almost like my mind was stalled for a while and now every little bit of information that I add to the pool makes me feels that little bit more alive.
It amazes me to think that my plans at one stage were just to carry on in a career where I plodded along doing something I hated with a passion just to get money.

Now I haven't turned into a hippy student who doesn't believe in money. That's one thing I've learnt over the last year. Even though money isn't the be all and end all it certainly plays a big part in feeling comfortable and reducing a bit of stress. I lived on a student allowance for a year and that was enough for a lifetime.

However I did learn that making something of myself is not as important as I thought it was, at least not from the point of view of others. Of course I want to be safe and secure but I don't want the obsession with things and success to get in the way of me learning more and experiencing more. I want to be able to try all these things that I want to learn about. And I want to make sure that I don't fall into a rut and typecast myself so to speak. I want to make sure that I don't put myself into a category and neglect to experience things that I am interested in, in order to maintain this idea of who I should be.

At the moment I am struggling with my summer chemistry paper. I almost gave up on it last night when it got too difficult but I'm going to make myself understand it. If it takes hours trying I'm going to do it because otherwise I'm going to end up working in a call centre for the rest of my life. Secure, safe.... and bored.

Pére Pressure

2005-10-17T12:42:00.000+13:00

Well my Dad asked me why I hadn't written in my blog for so long so I thought I should update it :)

So he asked me to write about my trip up North. On the 9th of November I am heading back to Wellington to study in Wellington rather than Christchurch.

It led me to thinking about why I am moving and whether or not I have decided to do the right thing or not. I've gone over it again and again in my mind and questioned my motives. Asking myself whether I am doing it because I want to study Biomedical Science or whether I am doing it because quite simply, I can't hack it here.

I'm not sure how to write this without sounding completely neurotic. I guess the worry for me is whether I can cope on my own. My friend Sam said to me that I had lasted a year so that goes to show that I can make it on my own. My family constantly reassure me that I am making the right decision. Everyone in Wellington seems so happy that I am coming home. But I feel that this decision really needs to be my own.

In saying that, the one person who really made me realise why I wanted to come back, is my sister's sister in law, Katherine. We were talking about going back and she said quite matter-of-factly, as though there was no doubt about it "I guess it's different when you are single and you need your family around you", and I thought to myself that she's dead right. I've got a great family who I love more than anything in a beautiful city and a few very close friends who I care dearly about. For some reason I thought I had to stick it out and prove (to whom?) that I could make it on my own.

Sure, if I was passionate about Speech and Language Therapy it would be in my best interests to stick it out for four years and do what is important to me, but I'm not. And everything that is most important to me is in Wellington.

So I guess I have made the decision myself. I've had one of the most challenging years of my life in Christchurch. I've been forced to take a good, hard look at myself and to realise who I really am, without the distractions and immediate support of my friends and family. And I did hack it.

The Great Prattzo!

2005-09-05T22:50:00.000+12:00

I'm a Pratt. There I've said it. I'm a Pratt and I'm proud. I'm one of five immigrant Pratts (one Pratt turned King) and we're pretty tight-knit.

I immigrated from Bristol England when I was two along with my mother, father, sister and brother. I'm more Kiwi than anything these days. I spent time on the beach in the sun in summer, know and love my kiwi music, eat fish and chips from the paper, and all those other great things that we do in this wonderful country of ours.

There are aspects of me that are fundamentally Pratt though. "Pratt Madness" for instance spans the generations. Pratt knees unfortunately have been handed down and also Pratt back. Pratt picking at the side of my thumb to pass time.

I've also inherited Fitzsimon, my mum's side. Not so much though unfortunately - they are small thin and long eyelashed :) I certainly inherited the Fitzsimon jaw. I've inherited the Fitzsimon "cringe at the sound of someone cleaning their teeth".

When I travelled to the UK in 2001 I discovered a few things about me that were fundamentally "Pratt". Funny to think that these things were programmed into me at birth. Still these fundamental things make me fundamentally a Pratt. And a pretty proud one at that.

My Heroin

2005-09-01T23:20:00.000+12:00

I'm listening to Paul Weller's "You do something to me" and soaking up the beauty of this amazing song. It's one of those songs that go right through to the heart of you and block out everything else. One of those songs that you feel rather than hear.

I don't know much about music. I can't play any instruments and I wouldn't know one note from another but I do know what I like. Music is something to me that I can't live without it. There's music for every mood, happiness, sadness, fear, love, peacefulness.

I can't imagine life without it.

A little bit of reality.

2005-08-14T23:49:00.000+12:00

I went out today and played in the great outdoors. I spent the morning sunken into a beanbag and reading a book. The sun was shining and, apart from the passing cars on the nearby road, it was pretty tranquil. I lazily hauled my arse up and went inside to have lunch.

In the afternoon a friend came around and took me to a nearby mountain bike track through the forest. I let go and rode fast. I took corners hard. I even tried a few jumps. I came off twice but got back on twice as well.

When I woke up I felt a bit seedy and miserable. But I got up. And I would have missed out on a beautiful day if I hadn't.

Often I forget the need to go out and play. I get so buried by people and things around me that I forget what is really important and what makes me happy.

I must go and play in the sun more often.

Ode to my Cerebral Cortex

2005-07-22T11:49:00.000+12:00

And the rest of it.

As my psychology lecturer said, it's usefully for a lot more than its nutritional value (echoes of Hannibal for those of you not in the know) and the complexity of it is pretty amazing.

Not that I didn't know this already but finding out the tiny little details of the brain and how it all works kind of makes me in awe of this wrinkly bottled looks thing that exists inside my skull.

I'm loving neurology. Well I have finished it now but am looking forward to getting into it again. It just amazes me that we have this complex little thing that controls everything we do. It also amazes me that we can cut out large parts of it or separate both lobes and still be able do certain things, albeit perhaps a little disjointedly.

My brain hasn't been totally up to scratch over the years. Obviously certain neurotransmitters don't do what they are supposed to be doing and also I get migraines. But for the main part it's doing a pretty good job. I can walk, I can talk, and I can get pretty good grades at varsity!

So I'd like to say, good on ya brain, keep up the good work...

Maiden Voyage

2005-07-20T11:26:00.000+12:00

One way to to exercise your fingers is to wiggle them aimlessly at a keyboard whilst wondering what you can possibly write that would be interesting to someone else, someone who doesn't even know you no less.

This is the first time I've written a blog. It's got no theme or reason behind it. All it is, as the title states, is a mental vomit so to speak, a way of mentally regurgitating the thoughts and feelings in my mind and changing them from a complete shambles to something mildly comprehensible.

So what do I have to say for myself? Well, I'm a 26 year old student from Wellington in New Zealand. I've just moved to Christchurch which is over 300km away from my home town. After working in the corporate game for over 5 years I decided it wasn't for me and moved to Christchurch. A change that didn't progress nearly as smoothly as I had anticipated.

You see, I suffer from an unfortunate illness called Depression. This is something that, although it is not totally incapacitating, plays a big part in my life.

It's taken me a while to find out about my Depression and to understand what part it actually does play in my life. It's taken me even longer to realise that it's something I will never "cure". It has taken even longer than that to realise that it's something I can keep under control and accept as a part of who I am.

Diabetes is a disease that can be controlled. People are given medication, they learn to adapt their lifestyle to make sure that they don't exacerbate the effects of the disease. They live a normal life and are able to do most, if not all, of the things that other people can do.

Depression is the same.

I told you it was a mental vomit. Seems I puked out something worthwhile though, I now have a reason for this blog. To give an example of living a life with Depression and to show how it doesn't necessarily mean that you are "weak" or "hopeless" and to try to explain how there really is no such thing as "normal".